The Golden Apple Corps

-Tangent

Whoo-waa!

Tangent-1

Bank/insurance company-0

Fuck Yeah Sea King!

That is all

-Tangent

American Riot Squad

A bit of a micky mouse operation if you ask me! Bu-bum-Cha!

-Tangent

Chicken wings for men.

-Tangent

How to give your cat a pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for S.P.C.A. to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

--------------

I didnt write this but I thought it was cute

 

-Tangent

One of the lists among millions of addressees.doc

So here I am again, killing time at work when I notice that I have an email from unrecognized sender, so I click to see what the down low is on this mystery email. Most people would just assume that mystery emails at work are spam but I’ve a really kick ass filter at work that will flag that obviously spam stuff but none of the swear words or dirty words. I’m not sure how this bad ass thing works it just does and its magic!

 So yes I open this email and I get assaulted by this plea for help because some ones son was rape in the bum by some dirty preacher man and yeah it was something else… but they weren’t looking for money, at least I don’t think they were cause I didn’t understand it all. The first part was English, then it switched to French then Spanish and some German too, English and German, okay, but the French and Spanish, nope! Do not comprende your speakin’ monsure! And then I noticed a delightfully shiny image in the corner. A paper clip. But not just any paper clip, it was THE paper clip. The one that tells you there is an attachment!

How exciting! They had their children raped and now they’re sending me a gift!

I clicked it

Surprising my computer did not immediately melt down into the southern regions of hell, taking all of my hard work with it. I did offer me a word document. A very, VERY informative word document. It contains 119 pages of email addresses, all of which we can presume are being spam mailed by the worlds lowliest scammers as your reading this very entry. 119 PAGES, Jesus, that’s a lot of emails.

The shit I get at work, it amazes me….

 

-Tangent