The Golden Apple Corps

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Whoo-waa!

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Bank/insurance company-0

Fuck Yeah Sea King!

That is all

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American Riot Squad

A bit of a micky mouse operation if you ask me! Bu-bum-Cha!

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Chicken wings for men.

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How to give your cat a pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for S.P.C.A. to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

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I didnt write this but I thought it was cute

 

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One of the lists among millions of addressees.doc

So here I am again, killing time at work when I notice that I have an email from unrecognized sender, so I click to see what the down low is on this mystery email. Most people would just assume that mystery emails at work are spam but I’ve a really kick ass filter at work that will flag that obviously spam stuff but none of the swear words or dirty words. I’m not sure how this bad ass thing works it just does and its magic!

 So yes I open this email and I get assaulted by this plea for help because some ones son was rape in the bum by some dirty preacher man and yeah it was something else… but they weren’t looking for money, at least I don’t think they were cause I didn’t understand it all. The first part was English, then it switched to French then Spanish and some German too, English and German, okay, but the French and Spanish, nope! Do not comprende your speakin’ monsure! And then I noticed a delightfully shiny image in the corner. A paper clip. But not just any paper clip, it was THE paper clip. The one that tells you there is an attachment!

How exciting! They had their children raped and now they’re sending me a gift!

I clicked it

Surprising my computer did not immediately melt down into the southern regions of hell, taking all of my hard work with it. I did offer me a word document. A very, VERY informative word document. It contains 119 pages of email addresses, all of which we can presume are being spam mailed by the worlds lowliest scammers as your reading this very entry. 119 PAGES, Jesus, that’s a lot of emails.

The shit I get at work, it amazes me….

 

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Couriers and kittens

So I’m at work right now. Yep working away…

No, not really.

Have you ever had a courier come to your work? We get them ALL THE TIME…. It’s not so cool. The novelty of people sending packages and shit, it wears away. I’m sure you could imagine that it would after the 1,346^th customer has called to complain that the lettering “Isn’t bold enough”. 

WTF? Isn’t bold enough, you get two options lady; bold or not bold. You want it bigger, chose a bigger font type. Bold is on or off. You’ve used a word program I’m sure so why is this concept so fucking alien to you? So yeah what ever, send it back and I’ll increase the font because it’s the closest thing to what you’re asking for but even you don’t know what you want. Yes send us your courier well fix it up and you can send your courier again. Congratulations lady you just cost your company about 35 dollars in couriers charges cause it wasn’t bold enough. Smooth lady, Ex-lax smooth.

Next topic please!

So I’m looking after 3 kittens right now, they were about 4 weeks old when they arrived at my house and they will be going back to the shelter in a few weeks but they’ve already about doubled in size since I got them and they all have very distinct personalities. Very distinct.

Kitten 1, the shelter has named him Mikey, but I call him gimpy because my dog stepped on him within an hour of getting them home and he walked with a hop for a few days. He’s white with some tan spots on him and he’s fucking evil to the core. If Satan had a cat form, gimpy would be it. He hunts my dog; this fluffy white blue eyed demon is the bain of my puppy’s existence.

Kitten 2, the shelter has named chuck, and aptly so. It’s a plain name for a pretty plain kitten. Chuck is the stereo type kitten, he purrs when you pet him, chases his own tail, climbs things and eats kitten food. Pretty run of the mill. There’s nothing really unique about him, he’s not a leader among his brothers, he’s a follower, come to think of it he’s more of a sheep then a cat. However he is the only one that is friends with my puppy.

Kitten 3, the shelter has named Dilton. Yeah, Dilton. WTF? Dilton? Oh wait he’s an orange kitten so its okay. Actually I often find my self puttering around my house calling for his name cause its kind of fun to say, especially when a orange kitten comes thundering down the hall way because he’s so fucking happy to hang out with you. This is mostly because he’s 100% skitzo. He will be sleeping and he’ll twitch the tiniest bit and then he’s awake and killing something that we cant see. This kitten is going to have imaginary friends for sure!

Oh I forgot to mention their litter box trick. Litter boxes apparently have multiple purposes, one is obviously for “doing business in” and the other is to knock as much litter on to the floor roll in it, run around the house and come back and play in the litter some more.

Oh yes. What Fun.

 

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Birthday Boys

So it’s Siris’s birthday today. It’s been a while since I had to do a birthday ‘thing’ for any one. The last time I kinda went all out for the birthday boy and I barley got a thank you, but what ever, I’m not complaining, not really any ways. Anyways this year I’m going to try just a card and see how that goes. It’s a cute ass card! So I’m hoping for a surprise sex kind of response.

So I caught the last 3 races at the regional race track yesterday, yeah I know more bike talk… But I’ve decided that I need a better camera because those racers are going more then 300 kilometers per hour and with the camera I was using they mostly look like blurs. I have the pictures on my laptop at home so I’ll post them up later. Also, I’m going to ask the guy who took the pictures for the race that I was in to help me out when I get a new one.

You know, I want to race like that, not just sit in the stands and watch and cheer I want to calculate my axis; I want to navigate a declining curve or throw my self side to side in a chicane or a bus stop. I want to feel the curve on a carousel. I want to know how to get into some thing like that. Where do I start and what do I need to put down? What do I have to do, just tell me what I have to do!

 

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Wicked Awesome Save!

Thanks Gutter!

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Come again?

You need a strong tummy and a slightly twisted sense of humor and the naivety to believe that it didn't actually happen

Click me <3

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